When I posted about the ‘relaunch’ of this little online space of mine, I had every intention of doing weekly blog posts… But then four days after said relaunch, my boy Charlie passed away, and it completely shook me. He’d been with us for five and a half years, and he’d blossomed into the happiest version of himself over that time – just like me. For the last year or so of his life he was diabetic, and so I’d give him twice daily injections. Even before his newfound spoonie-status, my world revolved around him. Charl was the most solid and stable thing in my life and he knew me better than anyone.
It’s been nearly four months since I held him in my arms as he went to sleep for the last time, and it still hurts just as much now as it did then. I cry every time I think about him, and I think about him a lot. Wouldn’t life just be so much more wonderful if dogs had the lifespan of humans?
Charlie was, and will always be, as much a part of our family as my five year old nephew is. There’s this big hole in our lives now and in our home – a hole that was filled with Charlie’s mad runs around the house with his teddy in his mouth; with his determination to rest his chin on anything and everything; with his excitement when he’d get to play with the rabbits; with his grumbling every time he had to move so that a human could sit down; with his certainty that my bed was actually his.
Needless to say, losing my best friend has had a big impact on my mental health. I’ve struggled quite a bit over the past few months – my anxiety has worsened and I’ve been having days of depression. But I’ve been trying to just let myself feel it all. Feel the grief; the heartbreak; the guilt; the loneliness; the anger. And gradually I’m learning to live with this huge loss. Charl was my sidekick, or, more accurately, I was his. I miss him more than I can say. We were a duo, and we will always be a duo.
This isn’t goodbye. It’s see you later.
P.S. With regards to writing blog posts, and what with my mental health taking a bit of a dive, I’ve decided not to put extra pressure on myself – so I’m just going to post when I feel like it <3